Classic post from Craiglist

[go2guy]

Props to whoever posted the best of Craiglist link in the Love or Money thread! I found several gems like this one:

Oh, the men I have met off CRAIGSLIST...

<HR>Date: 2006-12-14, 12:19AM PST


As the year draws to a close, I am going over the high and low points of the 2006. This year saw the most shocking (and amazing) mid-term election to date, Steven Colbert's priceless roast of the president, as well as some other memorable occurances that I'm not going to mention. But, this year, for me at least, there is something much more worth sharing with my fellow craigslist addicts; my personal escapades.

First off, I like to think that I'm a cool girl. I've got good taste in music, I'm educated, and I read a lot of books. I cook, take care of the apartment I share, volunteer, got to lots of shows, and attend college as well as work full time. I'm young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde. I watch sports and adult swim, and I'm naturally very easy to get along with. I'm not shallow or close-minded. I value my family, and always find time for my friends. I don't do drugs, have stds, or drink anymore, although I do have a cigarette every once in a while. I'm well dressed, play a little guitar, always drama free, and am friendly. and...I'M SINGLE AND I WISH I WASN'T!! Seiously, I get asked all the time, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Well what am I supposed to say to that? I don't fucking know why I'm single, I guess things aren't supposed to work out for me just yet.

Now, some would consider the following statement a deal-breaker, but I'm gonna spill it anyway. After all, this is MY RANT.

I am promiscuous. (Wikipedia has a great definition of the word if you're interested). I like sex. A lot. Actually, I love sex. I haven't been in a real relationship in a very long time, and I miss regular sex (among other things). I'm multi-orgasmic, and while I'm not going to get too into it, I'm wierd when I'm not getting a sufficient dose of coitus. Now granted, while I am on the ADVENTUROUS side, I am no slut. I think the right guy is out there for me somewhere, but I don't know where the hell he is, or why I haven't found him yet. After all, I am still young right? I got out of a pretty bad relationship about 8 months ago, and I decided that what ever I was doing to meet men was not working. A friend of mine met a pretty impressive nsa buddy on Craigslist, and I figured "Well, Try everything once right?" nope.. WRONG! ONCE TURNED INTO ME BECOMING A TOTAL CL CE ADDICT!!

So now, the year is ending, and I am swearing off of craigslist for a while. But I thought I would visit the rants and raves section to vent a little first..

34 MEN. Yes, that's right, I've met 34 men off of CL. No joke. NO, I have not had sex with all of them, but I could have. I've gotten over 3500 responses in the past 6 months, from ads that I have posted, and I have met about 8 from ads that I responded to. I know most people reading this will think I'm full of shit, but it's all true. I don't know if I can do them all justice in this little post, but I'll try my best. SO NOW.. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.. THE MEN I'VE MET OFF CRAIGSLIST.


1) ANDREW: You were so nice. I posted some silly ad about being bored and wanting company, and you thought it would be cool if we painted together or something completely juvenile like that. You sounded awesome, and we met the same day. Little did I know that you would turn out to weigh about 100 LBS and look like a cancer patient, but hey, I gave you a shot anyway. We went grocery shopping together on our date, and you wouldn't stop talking about your fucking Jetta. Yes, You drove a Jetta, and let me tell you, that's the way to get the ladies! Well, you were cool, but I never saw or talked to you again, and was pretty wierded out when you tried to kiss me, but I played it off like the nice girl I am. You weren't so bad, sorry it didn't work out.

2) ADAM: The only thing I'm going to say about you is.. WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR PHOTOS RETOUCHED? Seriously. You sent me pics, and I saw Calvin Klein Ads. You brought yourself, and I saw Kramer from Seinfeld. What the FUCK?? yeah, definitely ditched out on your ugly ass. No way I was letting you buy me a drink, creep.

3) CURTIS: I found your from one of my "NSA I really just wanna get fucked right now" posts. I went to your place, and you had the most awesome apartment I had ever seen. We talked, got to know eachother, then started to mess around. The minute you put the condom and slid inside me once, you came. PEACE OUT! I grabbed my purse, felt like an ass, and walked out. You running down the stairs half-naked yelling "I can go again!" wasn't enough to make me turn around. You e-mailed me for weeks to come, no hard feelings man, just clean out the pipes next time BEFORE you invite pretty girls over to fuck.

4) CHRIS: I don't remember what post we met from, but I'm glad I found you either way. We had the greatest friendship ever, and the best sex. I loved you, and you loved me, even though we would have never worked together. You would always tell me that I gave the best head in the world, and had the prettiest face you'd ever seen. You were selfish, and was always petrified that I was sleeping with other men, and you knew I was. I tried to get you to devote a tiny part of yourself to me, but you would never commit, and that hurt. I would have given you my all if you had asked for it. We used to fight, but it never mattered because I could never stay mad at you. When you moved to Canada, I couldn't say goodbye to you and we haven't spoken since.

5) ROGER: MY GOD YOU WERE AMAZING. I think I went crazy over you the minute we met. First off, you were too cool. You wore Seven Jeans, smelled like a shower, and had eyes like the sunrise. Your smile wouldn't quit. The first time we met, you took me to my favorite coffee shop, and we talked for hours. You read as much as I did, we were the same major, and we liked all the same music. You looked like a god damned model. You were a writer with a smile like christmas morning. You held my hand and called me beautiful. We talked about Anais Nin and listened to Bob Dylan. We vowed to spend the whole summer together. We had amazing sex, and afterwards, you told me you were moving back to Pennsylvania and you were sorry, but you couldn't see me anymore. BURN.

6) LON: You were stunning. You dressed well, were a dj, and had your own apartment. I went over, and you fucked me 9 ways from Sunday. We watched a french film, and had good sex. I never saw you again, and I like it that way.

7) JEREMY: You came straight from the pages of Psychopathia Sexualis. MY GOD YOU WERE THE FREAKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. I've never met anyone who could last like that. Some of the things we did were so insane, I won't dare write them. You still call me sometimes You sure did bring out the beast in me.

8) MARK: We went to high school together, and you found my post. I took a chance on you, and I blew your mind. You filled my inbox with dirty text messages all day until I had to break it off. Seriously, I know I give good head, but leave a girl alone man, it's creepy.

9) JIM: You would not stop talking about yourself. You know what? You weren't that cool. You were short, smoked too much, and had ugly tattoos. CLEAN YOURSELF UP BEFORE YOU TAKE A GIRL OUT, DEUCHBAG.

10) CLIFF: You were obsessed with the SF Giants to the point of no return. I can't believe that you actually thought I would have sex with you. You had white fizz at the corners of your mouth, and made me want to vomit. You were another one who looked nothing like your damn pictures, and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to be sweet to you, but you tried to take advantage of it.

11) ERIK: You were from Russia, we talked a lot online. You were absolutely adorable. I thought that it would be cool to meet a foreign guy and try to show him around. You didn't speak very good English, but you tried, and that was cute. On our first date you bought be chocolate. When I went to your apartment to fuck you, you had no idea what you were doing. You were the worst kisser in the world, covered in hair, and probably had the strangest looking dick I'd ever seen. I tried so hard not to laugh at your desperate attempt to penetrate me, but I couldn't help it. YOU WERE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. Poor guy, you don't watch enough porn.

12) MIKE: Yeah, you were wierd. You straight up asked me "Will you just suck my dick and then leave?" Haha, dare to dream doll, you were repulsive looking anyway. NO WAY. LATER. You weren't attractive, but I'm not shallow. I tried to be cool until you spit out that comment.

13) PETER: We had the best date ever. I was so into you. You knew how to show a girl a good time. You were sweet and genuine, and made me like you instantly. We kissed a lot and you didn't turn into a sleaze. When I called you the next day, you freaked out and called me clingy. Jesus - commitment phobe eh? I guess I fucked up, and I think there was a time that I would have given anything to have you call me again. Over it now, but damn that sucked.

14) JOEY: YOU WERE A FUCKING ASSHOLE! so cute, so hot, so sweet, so shy. You could have just told me you had a girlfriend instead of crushing my hopes after so much time had gone by. Psh. Men.

15) SHAWN: You were cool, and we had a good date, but just didn't hit it off. You kinda had this strange constipated look on your face all the time.

16) DAN: You were cute and indie, but little did I know you would turn into a depressed, ADD, and OCD FREAK. When I touched your dick, you came in my hand. EEEWW!! I was scared of making you angry or something, so I pretended I had an emergency and had to leave. I was still nice to you after that, you weren't so bad.

17) FRANK: You were my ghetto fab honey pie You were cool and pretty down to earth. We had some cool chill times. The first time I sucked your dick, you offered me to come live with you rent-free. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I may be quite the cock sucker, but I won't be your love slave, no matter how much you offer me! Oh man, good laugh.

18) PAT: Wow you had a big dick. You were the greatest fuck buddy ever, because we weren't attached, and didn't know much about eachother either. You sure did show me a good time more than once!! You were pretty cocky though, I mean.. you were hot, and you knew it. But come on, you still weren't no Don Juan. You went and found yourself a girlfriend

19) JON: You were by far, my craziest story. You also didn't look like the pictures you sent me, and you had the funniest walk in the world. I wanted to laugh just listening to you and your ridiculous little gay laugh, but I thought we could be friends at least. Well, when I went to your apartment and you locked the door behind me, I freaked out. The minute you went to the bathroom, I scrambled to the door, struggled with the lock, then ran out like the fucking house was on fire, jumped over your 6-step stoop, and hit the ground running. I don't think I've ever been more freaked out. You left me a nasty voice-mail calling me a "Stupid Cunt of A James Bond" hahahahaha.

20) BRENT: You were another good fuck buddy. You had the greatest taste in music, and could last at least 4 times a night. Too bad you had to go back east, I'm glad we keep in touch

21) DANE: PIECE OF SHIT! I don't know if i'll ever find it in my heart to forgive you. You seduced me, and I thought we had a good little thing going. We used to buy each other presents, and talk for hours. You were good times until I took you to a friend's party and found you in her room fucking her while she was in a half-conscious drunked stupor. I had to get some of my bigger guy friends to kick you the fuck out, and I spit in your face. ASSHOLE. Go to hell for all I care, you're dick wasn't big anyway. Thank God she doesn't remember you scum.

22) JACK: You lived far away, but I didn't care because you had your dick pierced, and that was enough for me! I thought you took it a little overboard with the tattoos, but we still had a good time. You were so sweet to me.

23) JAMES: Ha, yeah, definitely not talking about you, drunk sleaze. I'm happy I escaped when I did. You actually hang out with a friend of mine, which is ever wierder.

24) JONNY: I could have never predicted what would happen between you and I. We had a couple dates, hit it off, but then you dissapeared. I was bummed, but we ended up meeting up later, and now, you're my best friend. I still can't believe I met you off this stupid thing. We're essentially the same person, you and I. Love you man, enough said.

25) VICTOR: Ok, You claimed you were a male model. STUPID ME! You were super hot, but you were a fucking virgin! my god! VIRGIN! you had no idea what you were doing, and I couldn't believe someone as hot as you had never had sex. Well, after you couldn't keep it up anymore, you confessed to me that it was your first time. I almost choked on my own spit!! JESUS! well, at least I taught you a thing or two right??? We're still friends.

26) STEVE: Army boy. Why did you want me to pee on you so bad? Sorry man, wasn't into it. You did know how to go down on a girl though! After a while, you got upset that I wouldn't pee on you and dropped me like I was hot. HAHAHA What was I thinking!?

27) DAN: You were young, and so cute. We made out a lot, but that was it. You work too much, so we could never see each other. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

28) ALEX: You broke my heart, and I don't know what else to say. Fucking liar. You don't tell women that you love them, then suddenly change your mind. Well, your dick was small and you came too fast anyway.

29) SCOTT: You were like Shawn. One date, no hitting it off. You didn't look like your pics either. You used a FUCKING HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL to pay for some 6 dollar coffee. Come on man, you trying to impress me just made you look like a desperate fool.

30) NICK: Oh man, you were hot. HUGE DICK. too bad you still lived with your parents. We watched Resevoir Dogs and had a really good time together. You lived too far away though.

31) CHASE: Shit, I could talk about you for days. You were like Roger, almost perfect, but scared to committ. You were a professional surfer and professional soccer player.. you took pictures and loved Pablo Neruda. You listened to good music, were a DJ, went to Berkeley, and helped underpriveledged kids for a living. I was so smitten. You were so sweet to me, and always considerate. We had amazing sex, and sweet intimacy. You ultimately were too scared to be involved, and I couldn't blame you, I just wasn't the one. I still dream about you sometimes.

32) JOHN: You came when I started to put the condom on you. COME ON! ARE YOU SERIOUS? I kicked your ass out of my apartment before you could even say sorry. Psh.

33) CHARLIE: You were a fucking country bumpkin. I walked in and you had Johnny Cash on the wall, Hank Williams on the stereo, and Clint Eastwood on the Tube. Are you kidding me? You tried to kiss me and I smelled chewing tobacco, and almost vomited on your face. Later!

33) MATT: stalker! Leave me alone, I will not marry you.

Well, there you have it. All the men I've met from this magical little site. If you read this and think I'm awesome, respond with a pic and something about yourself.

 

[earl]

:missingte loved her comment - "I am promiscuous" - ya think?!!! im thinking she's not taking much time off before she fucks again.

 

[moethepuppy]

Roxygirl???????

 

[FairWarning]

That would be me who posted that link. Great stuff like this one:

Trannies at the Gym

<hr> Date: 2006-12-15, 8:43AM PST


I go to 24 hr Fitness on Van Ness and Post. I've been going there regularly since I moved to the City 5 years ago. I've seen all types of men and women come and go. From the sublime - that cute skinny bald boy who used to have sideburns; to the inspirational - the woman who lost 100lbs in a year, I forget her name; to the stereotypical - cute blonde girl in all pink velour jog suit who never broke a sweat once; to the freakish - middle-age mullet guy who ties his shirt up like he's a 9 year old girl. And I accept and welcome you all.

I have even made some locker room gal pals. We're not 'tight' or anything. It's not like we hang out on weekends and get pedicures or watch movies together. We chat about our work days, who that freaky guy in the tied-up shirt is, the best place for a margarita, etc. But all of that friendly girl chat seems to die in the air the minute They walk in. They are the two Trannies At The Gym.

Now, I'm not about to say "Hey, I like Trannies...some of my best friends are Trannies", because that's not true. I do know one; and I like her(?). And I would share my locker room any day of the week. Hey Trannies At The Gym, I don't care if you're still packin' heat; if you think you're a girl, and you feel like a girl, I respect that and I will consider you a girl too.

But with my respect should come yours too, dear, Trannies At The Gym. Please respect me for being a real card-carrying double-x female. Please respect the fact that all of my body parts are natural and un-enhanced with silicone or collagen. Being natural, they may sag or juggle or squish. Please respect that I work hard to have the semi-respectable-in-a-bikini-body that I do have. Please respect the fact that most of the women in the locker room are there to improve themselves in one way or another. True, none of us will ever be able to work out bra-less in a tube top...But what natural woman would want to?

Please don't come in all full of sassy attitude. Some of us do speak Spanish, and we do know what you're saying. And those who don't speak Spanish can tell from the looks on your faces and the tones of your voice. A bitch is a bitch is a bitch in any language or gender orientation. We don't whisper and glare at you for using the ladies locker room...we know it's your only option.

So, until there's a Tranny locker room...keep your eyes on the floor and your comments about our saggy, too small, too big boobs; and our unenhanced asses to yourselves. P.S. All the guys know you're Trannies.

 

[go2guy]

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better! :aktion033

The Girls I Have Dated

<HR>Date: 2006-09-06, 10:30AM PDT


Mindy - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling probably because it was new. Truth be told, I was in such a rush. I just wanted to do it with somebody. I never would date you today. You are smart, but very needy. I don't know why I still stay in touch with you.

Claire Bear - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.

Mrs. Hahn - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's Eve party, you were so drunk. Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess I've changed a lot since I was 17.

Beth - My first slut. How many guys in the dorm did you do? Don't get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great BJs.

Judith - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that's the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn't really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don't think you did.

Kim - My fellow lab intern. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn't know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning in the lab. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn't really care.

Anabelle - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I've ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don't think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it's OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn't want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I'd run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You're academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.

Jackie - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Grad School. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole dorm everything. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right: "I thought you might come over." Can you tell me how many times I ate your ***** after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?

Carla - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing Jackie was in the room next door? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing she was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the interent and found you live with your mother. Time's ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!

Kessie - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were a virgin. You were the Valedictorian. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was "psycho bitch". I'm so sorry Kessie that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you'll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.

Abby - You were Kessie's best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Kessie all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your husband - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Kessie's fiancee. You're as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Kessie would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn't know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn't have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.

Kira - You were a receptionist from Queens that I picked up at McSorelys. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.

Paula - I'm just not ready to say anything here. I'll give this one sentence and then move on. You are my s****r and that should never have happened.

Rebecca - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Harvard and become a bigshot CEO. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!

Toni - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Hampton's rule book says you must wait until after Labor Day. So the day after Labor Day I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you'd give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger, "No, no no. Not until after Labor Day", I'd go over and fuck Rebecca's brains out. I'll bet you're now married, living on Park Avenue and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again. "No, no, no. Not until after I'm dead!"

? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after Labor Day - after everyone else had ended their season and gone back to New York City, I see you hanging around outside that Hampton's bar at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about $5 at 7-11 to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn't want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name. After I gave you a ride home, I went over the bridge and drove down Dune Road for maybe a mile. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn't want to go back to the beach house. I didn't want to go back to New York City. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn't - I haven't cried since 3rd grade when my mother drove away. So no I didn't cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.

Suzie - After that crazy Hampton's summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I met you on a elevator. That must have been fate. Think of how difficult it is to make a connection on a 30 second elevator ride. But somehow it happened. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn't ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.

Ellen #1 - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is "Suck my dick" - but you took it too literally. Don't just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can't believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Ashley, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.

Ellen #2 - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. You mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to an Ivy League College, but you'd suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in the sand dunes when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch and you started jerking him off. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else.

Hanna - You were the most boring girl I've ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying, "There, there. That's OK. Accidents happen." News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You're boring and you're an idiot!

Ina - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Turkey. But you were really just a bitchy Staten Island girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver's license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn't. I'm not surprised you are still single. Go back to Turkey and suffocate your own kind.

Chelsea - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth's magnetic field. Flake.

Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the '60s and stayed there. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.

Meagan - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn't do: Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don't take a leak in a subway car. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only imagine that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass, "Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!" You were at least good for something.

Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.

Wendy - Picked you up on an Amtrak train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don't hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.

Carol - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn't take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn't go to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend's father's apartment because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who wasn't his daughter. I'm sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that incident I just had to hide from everyone.

Tessa - You were on the cruise ship because you were afraid to take the plane to Europe. You took me to your cabin, but you were afraid of catching a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life. But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A lot of girls get into it. Thanks.

Vivian - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don't do that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.

Dr. Lara - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you in the ass. Didn't you learn anything in Med School about Safe Sex? Other than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went to Band Camp. And what's with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.

Holly - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Grand New York, with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed. Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quindlen. OK, I'm a jerk. I'm not sure why it didn't work out with you. Maybe your family was too rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.

Irene - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you. And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn't really care. But I've always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your roommate's bed? Why did you insist I use your roommate's vibrator on you? I think you're a closet lesbian.

Nancy - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your ***** til you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned to our other friend in Seattle, same thing. You have some sexual baggage going on there, don't you. But no matter, I didn't really like you. I just wanted to see your ***** so I could talk to my friends about you.

Uma - Skinny as can be, red ***** hair and enormous . I still have that vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - your swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you were a bitch.

Rosemary - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks for the BJ, but I just couldn't be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That was bad. Sorry.

Olivia - You were Rosemary all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my cum. You really knew how to play with it.

Sue - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night. But my mother was in the hospital and I didn't want to be alone. I never think about you.

Theresa - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.

Ruthie - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage. You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn't finish a fucking sentence: "I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I'm sleepy." I dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they sounded to the rest of us. "Starsky and Hutch, that's a kind of ice cream isn't it?" And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I'm banging your *****. I'm staring at your beautiful face. I'm about to come, when you look deep into my eyes and say, "You know, tomorrow, I think I'll wear that green dress with the brown belt." Externally you were beautiful. Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.

Isabelle - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in anyone's masturbation fantasies. I thought I'd feel guilty about being your first. I knew when I popped you that I'd never see you again. But in the end, I didn't care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.

Ilyssa - I'm not sure what to say. I certainly can't get mad at you. It was all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my office building. You had a strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren't symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that day. I shouldn't even have been there, but I didn't want to go to the hospital and I didn't want to go to the office. I took you home and we fucked.

You know what I remember most about you? It wasn't your twisted face. It wasn't your sickeningly artificial childish mind set - "So I said to him I said, first of all, like ...whatever!" What I remember about you most was the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties. I'm guessing you didn't have any visitors down there for a while and certainly weren't expecting anyone that day.

Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and alone. Ug, you were so grotesque that I should have run away. But that was it wasn't it? You were so grotesque I couldn't stop looking. You were my goal - the most vile looking woman ever splayed out before me in all of your naked glory. Wanting me. Needing me.

God, you remined me of all women. Like how could she fucking do that? I mean what mother would drive off and as her final parting words say to a 10 year old, "You know, it's your fault I'm leaving." I hated you so much that I never wanted to see you again. Why did you have to show up again all those years later? Why? You are my mother and what was I supposed to do? Fuck you bitch! FUCK YOU BITCH!


***************

That's it. Well, at least those are the ones I can remember.

And now? Now, I don't sleep with anyone. It has been 4 years, cold turkey. I dunno. Everytime some friend tries to set me up on a date, I have this flashback to that no-name girl sitting on the fence post outside that Hampton's bar. The one I fucked, but didn't want to see her face. I think of that girl and then politely decline the offer of a date. It sounds hard not to have sex, but actually, it's just easier.

You know what Kessie would say - my true love who I should have married all those years ago - you know what she would say? She would wave her psych degree in my face and say, "When was the last time you slept with a girl? And when was it that your psycho-bitch mother died? Hmmm, what an interesting coincidence."

Yeah, I dunno. It doesn't matter. I like my job. I like my friends. Maybe one day I'll go on a date again, but no rush.

 

[go2guy]

Watching the championship game and reading these! Life can't get any better!

Re: SBF - Why Is It Difficult!!!!! - w4m - 36 - m4w

<HR>Date: 2006-07-23, 9:05AM EDT


Dear SBF,

You posed the following riddle to the sages who frequent CL's "Casual Encounters" board:

"Ugh! I have been looking for a really sexy, sensual, attractive man with a "high" libido to have sex on a regular basis. Why is this "so" difficult? Basically, all you need to be single (not married), tall, attractive, CLEAN, well endowed (8" - 9 ")w/a strong gift of knowing how to give pleasure to a woman. Also, be someone who I can have a conversation and drink with outside of the bedroom because if I am bored >>>> I am going home!!!

I am single(no attachments), attractive, 5"8 1/2, great smile. I have some meat on bones, curvy, sexy and sensual. D*D free and would like to stay that way!!

READ THIS >>>>>I am not interested in 1 liners, married man or emails with pix and no name and vice versa. Basically, tell me "a little" about yourself and what you expect."

I think I can answer your question...no, I KNOW I can answer your question.

Let's start with geography. You're in NY which has a population in the Greater Metro area of about 13 million. Slightly more than half of these are women and, since you're looking for a man, that gives you a pool of about 6 million males. One of the few things you don't specify is age, so I'll generously assume an age range of beween 18 and 50. Taking a rough guess, let's say that drops your pool of males down to about 3 million. I think it's safe to say that the majority of the 18-30 year old men are still so shallow as to prefer women their own age or younger and some proportion of the 40-50 year old men are going through a mid-life crisis and are fantasizing about women only slightly older than their daughters. Let's say this reduces you to a pool of about 1.5 million.

1.5 million is still a heck of a big selection pool but once you remove those men who, because of bigotry or their own sexual fantasies, prefer non-black ladies (their loss in my opinion and more for the rest of us), then I think we can safely say we're down to about a million guys.

The next step is availability. Many, indeed most, will already be in relationships. They're either married, engaged, monogamously involved or, in the case of three to five percent of them, gay. It would be generous to assume that this did not apply to at least 60% of the remaining million.

Now, we're down to 400,000 men in the greater NYC area from which to choose. By the way, this is assuming that every single one of these men is net savvy and knows about CL.

This brings us to your criteria. Let's take them one at a time. I'll wrap "sexy, sensual, attractive" up as a single requirement. Considering that these 400,000 men are still available, I'd guess that a smaller percentage than normal could be called "sexy" or "attractive". Women are nearly always more particular about this than men (we are scarcely better than dogs), so I believe it would not be to draconian to let 300,000 of these lads off the hook. We're now down to 100,000 single men in NYC who might be attracted to you and who you might consider attractive.

Your next differentiating requirement is "tall". This is to women what boobs are to men or the phrase "must be slim". Since height is distributed along a bell curve and the average American male is now 5'10", you've just eliminated at least 60, probably 75%, of your dating pool. I'm going with 75% because my experience is that 6ft is some sort of holy number for some women and less than 25% of men are over 6ft.

You're now down to 25,000 candidates in all of NYC...getting a little nervous?

Here we get to my favorite useless criteria.."well-endowed". You even specify the number of inches (8-9). Again, we go back to the numbers and the average American male gets the job done (or,perhaps not done, I suppose) with the regulation issue 6" penis. I have one of those and it's been a workhorse beyond compare for these past 45 years. But no, you're special and you need more...much more. I took gym for many years and can assure you that the number of men, even when height is taken into consideration, who reach the penis length you require is a very small proportion of the population. Since the current 25,000 member pool is already made up of very tall men, let's assume that there's double the number of well-endowed males. Let's say 20 rather than 10%.

You're now down to 5,000 men in all of NYC.

You also asked for a CLEAN man in caps so I'll assume this is important. Not sure what you mean here (clean of disease, clean shirts, clean apartment), but knowing men, no more than half of these chaps will fit a scrupulous women's definition of cleanliness. Just the statistical probability of herpes alone should eliminate about half these guys.

We're now down to 2,500 dudes for you. You have two remaining criteria, however, which bodes more ill for your prospects.

Turns out you want a man with the "gift of knowing how to give pleasure to a woman". I won't even elaborate on this, but suffice it to say that by it's very definition of being a "gift", no more than 1 in ten men should posess it.

250 men and dropping.

Your last demand is that the lucky joe who gets the incomparable pleasure of bedding your rare soul must be capable of "conversation" in such a manner as to prevent your boredom. Given that you're a woman who needs tall, sexy men with 9" dicks and a "gift" for pleasure, I suspect you're easily bored. Shall we say 10%???

25 brave lads left to go nobly into that breach.

Finally, we hear a little about you. Not much in the way of detail, no word of your "gifts", but you do tell us that you are "curvy" with some meat on your bones. This is CL speak for anything from a little chubby to obese. Nothing wrong with this mind you, nothing wrong at all. Personally, I prefer a woman built for comfort rather than speed. You must be cognizant, however, that these handsome, tall, articulate,well-endowed and sexually gifted men will probably already have their pick of a wide variety of, shall we say, more glamorous women? Women whose curves more nearly resemble those seen in Playboy and Maxim.

Nonetheless, I think it's reasonable that 4 or 5 of these fellas would prefer a beefy girl like you to the anorexic waifs we see in fashion magazines. 5 guys in NYC. 5. That's FIVE.

Though no longer single, I once was and though I met some of your criteria (attractive, articulate, sexy, "gift for pleasure"), I did not meet many of your other criteria (well-endowed and tall). Nonetheless, I had a nearly inexhaustible selection of wonderful, attractive, sexy, strong and intelligent women to choose from. Even had I the inclination to go onto CL, I was too busy dating and having sex to bother.

Do you think your five Knights will be even more inclined? I doubt it.

Now you know. Not such a mystery any more is it?

 

[Paranoiasf]

That would be me who posted that link. Great stuff like this one:

Trannies at the Gym


<HR>Date: 2006-12-15, 8:43AM PST


I go to 24 hr Fitness on Van Ness and Post. So, until there's a Tranny locker room...keep your eyes on the floor and your comments about our saggy, too small, too big boobs; and our unenhanced asses to yourselves. P.S. All the guys know you're Trannies.

I love this post because I just signed up on this sports forum, and I see this post. I live two blocks from this gym. Good times.
That gym is very cruisey for guy on guy action from what I hear.

 

[smalminded1]

That gym is very cruisey for guy on guy action from what I hear.

But I thought ALL guys in California were a little limp wristed?

uppy:

 

[FairWarning]

Another gem, from Toronto:

To The Creepy Guy At The Nude Beach...

<hr> Date: 2006-08-31, 12:16AM EDT


Ok so i guess its expected, you'll find some creepy people at the nude beach...its a freaking NUDE beach right? Mostly perverts and old men. Ok fine. My boyfriend and I were on a date before he left to work overseas. We were riding our bikes along the trails on the island. The perfect date. ahh the sun was shining, the sky was blue and i just washed my hair with that new herbal shampoo. we notice a sign "nude beach" this way. we figure why the fuck not? so we venture forth. we agree before hand, "we'll just stay WAY off to the side we can swim in our undies and just leave, noone will bug us" sweet zombie Jesus were we wrong. you my friend creeped us out far before you said anything. Standing oddly close to us, though there was plenty space for you to be away from the "action" and us as well. no no. you had to be right there! so you proceeded to stretch and get limbered up for a nice nude jog. *eww* so fine my bf and i exchange some uneasy looks but decide to continue with our rock skipping. ahh we should have run. run far and fast when we had the chance. Now we remain scarred for life. *Sigh* so anyways we continue...ahh weird guy. So you decide to remove the already "leaving-little-to-the-imagination" blue shorts. Well you were hard. But, no that wasn't the worst. Naturally my bf became very uptight after several stern looks we went to grab our jeans *we were in long t-shirts and undies* you decided to exercise nude. Bending so you’re uhh..."back button" was in clear view. CLEAR view. Someone didn't wipe properly... so we went over to our bikes and began to furiously unlock them. You, apparently oblivious to our distress, began to talk to us,

Nude Guy- "Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"...
BF-"OH...NO...NOT AT ALL!"(My boyfriend replied sarcastically)
NG-"so you guys going to get nude?”...
ME-"NO"...
NG-"oh you guys shy? Yeah me too, that’s why I’m over here"
(Yeah not because there are two young people *we look about 16* "talk about a predator")
BF-*yeah we just didn't want to swim in our undies at the normal beach and there’s no way we aren’t getting naked, so yeah..."
NG-"yeah yeah...uhh so you guys adventurous or anything...?
ME- "adventurous?"
nude guy: "yeah like i know this girl, nice girl huge boobs, maybe we could like swap?"
BF-"you wanna take my gf? What the-"
NG-"Well are you bi-sexual at all?"

(at this point let me just tell you his penis has been fluctuating in hardness. its kind of pointing and then drooping, then kind of erect and waiving about and then soft and twitching... at the mention of bi-sexual i thought it was going to knock the wind out of him. I’ve haven't seen anything snap into action that fast since Valentines Day 2003...but that’s another story )

Bf: NO…
NG: oh...

(His penis almost falls off, I haven’t seen anything die that fast since my mom walked in on us...but that’s another story)

NG: well how about if I give you my number and we hook up some other time?
ME: yeah I left my pen and paper over there, so uh, let me just go...get…yeah

Grabbed the bikes and booked it, well I’ll never be the same and my boyfriend has been damaged, thoroughly… I’d just like to thank you nude guy. You fucking ruined the last time I got to see my boyfriend. Before he left. And the best part? The best part you sick prick. I didn’t even get good-bye Sex! You bastard, you deprived me of my so long bang! your ogling him and bending and gyrating just killed our sexual urges. It’s been about 3 weeks and only my vibraters are there to comfort me. I hope you’re happy you sick crusty fuck! I hope you get raped…TWICE. (but then again you’d probably like it)

 

[FairWarning]

Not sure which of the RR Warriors posted this:

Rant: My giant dick

<hr> Date: 2006-06-17, 1:18PM PDT


Where to begin? I hate my giant dick. I haven't always hated it, mind you, just for the last, oh, 17 years or so.

I loved my dick when I was 13 and had a nice 7 inch tool. I'd put it through its paces regularly and just couldn't wait to share it with some of my female classmates. At 14 I was starting to get just a little concerned as I then had a 9 inch member. It was great, but I was hoping for no further growth. No such luck. By the time I was 16 or 17, the growth finally ended. Unfortunately, not before I had reached my freakish proportions.

It's 12 inches long. It's about as big around as one of those tall cans of Coors Light (horrible beer, by the way). It doesn’t help that I’m a shower, not a grower. When flaccid it’s still 9 inches. In high school I picked up nicknames like cackyderm (creative), kickstand, and “the plunger.” I was smart, funny, athletic, and well liked, though, so the kidding was not mean spirited. I know that some awkward big dicked guys must go through much worse in high school.

Now, I’m sure some guys are thinking that this doesn’t sound like a problem and they wouldn’t mind swinging a stick like this around. Trust me, it sucks. To understand what it’s like to live with a giant dick you have to throw out everything you know about normal life. I love sports and athletic activities. Unfortunately, my dick loves this too and celebrates by flopping around like a frog on a frying pan. An extra large heavy-duty athletic supporter is an absolute must. Go without, and I could end up with a black eye. Of course, by the time I get everything stuffed into the supporter I look like I’ve crammed a grapefruit down my shorts in case I need a snack at half time. If the supporter fails, my dick will fly out of there like the spring snakes in one of those novelty cans of mixed nuts. I hope there aren’t any kids watching the game. I really enjoy swimming, but water + swim trunks = cling = gasps. My next house will have a pool and a tall fence.

How about non-athletic activities like, say, walking down the street? First off, boxers are out. No one wants to see that coming toward them. Even briefs only do a marginal job of keeping everything from swinging around. All new clothes must be tried on to see if they pass my dick visibility test (DVT). Jeans fail. Many slacks fail. Most shorts fail. Need to sit on the toilet? Hold on to snakey or he’s going swimming.

Fine, but it’s gotta rock in the sack, right? Wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it gets hard as a rock and stays that way, but finding someone able to work with it has been difficult. I’m a nice, attractive, and successful guy so I have met a lot of women who wanted to get down with me. That is, until they see my dick. My first time was when I was 18 with a friend’s older sister (23). The look on her face when she saw it erect was one of surprise, incredulity, and fear. To her credit, she was willing to give it a go, but it would only go so far. Guys, you know how great it feels to pound away “balls deep”? I don’t. I have yet to find a woman who can take it all. A lot of women have simply said, “Forget it” once they see it. Last month I met a really nice woman who followed me back to my place from a Belltown bar. We got close and it was getting hot until ol’ dicky came out. The look on her face was one of actual horror (you know, eyes bulged, hand over a gaping mouth). Without saying a word, she bolted up, grabbed her clothes, and was out the door. You’d think it had five dragon heads at the end (it doesn’t, by the way). How about a nice blowjob? Maybe if there were a bunch of female versions of Steve Tyler out there I’d actually be able to get one. That leaves few options. I’ve gotten very good at going down and handjobs are about all that works with most ladies. Given the crap shoot of reactions from new partners, masturbation has been my best option overall.

I know things could be worse. I’m 6’2” and 220 pounds, so at least it doesn’t look like an actual third leg like it would if I were 5’1”. It’s also not bent, doesn’t just get to half mast, or have any of the other physical problems a dick can have. But it’s a damn hassle every day. I’d give my left nut to give up 4 inches and some girth.

To those guys who wish they had a massive dick instead of their average or below average one, I say enjoy what you have. Things could be worse: your wish could come true.

 

[bullets]

Anyone ever been caught...

<HR>
Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT


...doing the most private of private things?

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

 

[royboy_3831]

Anyone ever been caught...


<HR>
Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT


...doing the most private of private things?

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

Wow, I cannot stop laughing...:lol: The dude never adresses why the fuck he had a mask and snorkel on while beating his pud...

 

[bullets]

Wow, I cannot stop laughing...:lol: The dude never adresses why the fuck he had a mask and snorkel on while beating his pud...

Thats what I wanted to know.

I bet she wants to know too.

 

[quantumleap]

"I'm young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde."

She lost me at "very thick". She's a fatty.

 

[auggiedawg]

Anyone ever been caught...

<hr>
Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT


...doing the most private of private things?

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

i think i just pissed myself....:lolBIG:

 

[kidslick]

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work...

<hr> Date: 2007-03-08, 12:20PM EST


Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We've all been there my friend.

But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips?

1. Location Location Location - Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there's almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt.

2. Silence is Golden - While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don't want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya?

3. Ms Manners says... - Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom....STOP!!! Seriously, I'd think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn't that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

4. Good fences make good neighbors - This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men's room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I'm never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you're washing your hands.

They don't make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I'm afraid.

• Location: Chester County
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

[kidslick]

Couch - Very Uncomfortable, Red - $3.75

<hr> Date: 2007-03-01, 11:01PM MST


Hello. Here is my couch. I hate this couch and it needs to get out of my house. It is the worst couch I have ever seen. I sat on it and now I'm in a back brace. I let my dog have the couch, but then he died on it, so I don't really need it anymore. I miss my dog and I hate this couch. I'm asking $3.75 for the couch because thats how much Buck's favorite chew toy cost me each month. However, I'll consider other offers. I would just throw this couch into the river, but I hurt my back sitting on the couch.

A little more about the couch:
I bought it 3 months ago.
I paid $900
It came from this swanky furniture place
I hate the couch
It is uncomfortable and will probably put you in a back brace

• This item has been posted by-owner.
• Location: Denver
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

[FairWarning]

A potential date for Skinsraj:

white girl looking for a funny asian or white guy - 20

<hr> Reply to: pers-297705658@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-21, 1:39AM CDT


howdy. im kate.

I'm 5-10, athletic build thanks to basketball, blonde-brown naturally-straight shoulder length hair, and blue-gray eyes that have a tendency to change color with my moods.


I hear that im a bit of an oddball, but i don't see it. i just find everything and anything amusing. I've compiled a list of the top five reasons people give me that I am "not normal".

1. I like to write backwards. I found out that my first and middle name backwards is actually a Japanese boy's name. I now use it to sign my work, and Yoj Etak is my atler ego.

2. I hate seriousism. I tend to avoid people who take everything too seriously. But then again, there are important things that have to be taken seriously (like, not dying... or something). theres a balance i suppose.

3. Favorite first date: camping out in a lil kids playground and then flying kites at 3 am.

4. I can discuss art, religion, politics, science and kick your ass in an arguement. I love to take people to museums to share my vast array of little known facts about artists and their work. I know way too much about religion and politics and science... since my favorite show is nova. and lost. otherwise i never watch tv. i love debate. (this may not sound weird, but others think tend to think im not smart for some reason. or something. je ne sais pas. maybe its the art thing? or my affinity for anything funny? so i find it extremely amusing when i can tear someone apart in an arguement. score one for underestimation.)

5. I am a Ninja Pirate. Or, Yoj Etak is. I love www.realultimatepower.net
"Ninjas are awesome because they can fly. And they flip out and kill people all the time with their ninja stars."
I have the book too hehe.

6. I love Giordano's more than anything. A friend had it shipped out for my birthday while I was in nyc... Best. Gift. Ever. Of course, I had to have it shipped out multiple times afterwards too.

Okay, so I lied. It was more than five.


I'm looking for a guy thats:
-preferably taller than 6 foot, but at least 5'10" (i love being tall so i wear heels a lot)
-cute (send a pic)
-very laid back
-off the wall humor is a must as i ADORE goofy guys. randomness is a plus. (Think Monty Python) I can laugh at stupid little things for hours (sober even) and its the best.
-Having a skinny to athletic body type is a must.
-Doesn't smoke. Drinking is fine as long as you're not an alcoholic.
-I'm into asian or white guys who are between 20 and 26.
-Must be disease free and drug free because I am.
- its a plus if you like ninjas.
- Parlez vous francais? fabulous

Also be open to a LTR (aka not afraid of commitment) but i like to take things slowly. Friends first, relationship later if we hit it off. Ya never know... we might hit it off so well that we fall crazy in love within the first week and then end up eloping in a Las Vegas Drive-Thru wedding chapel.

I'm NOT looking for a one night stand.

lets go grab some good chicago deep dish pizza, catch a movie and run around the city.

I'll only reply to people who send pics. You can check mine out on myspace if you search for Yoj Etak.<table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tbody><tr><td align="center">

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• Location: loop
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

[hellah10]

"I'm young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde."

She lost me at "very thick". She's a fatty.

agree... i think shes giving herself too much credit...

to bad the men she saw werent real men... just a bunch of suckers

 

[LarryTalbot]

you guys nailed it. Only fat girls would work so hard to make a post like that at craigslist. She has quite an imagination though.